Hope
It was the first weekend in April. I remember it was still cold because I was wearing my new, brown parka that I had just purchased on a going-out-of-season sale. First time in many years, I felt relaxed and settled. It was an overdue vacation, short but sweet, full of nostalgia, remembering where I’ve been and letting go of all that’s been lost. With every breath in the cool air of the ocean, I felt refreshed, ready for anything.
In hindsight, I think maybe that one weekend gave me what I needed to get through what was coming next. It’s funny how your own life moves on without your consent sometimes.
The intensity of the past few months is impossible to describe in words without the risk of trivializing it. But if I were to try, the words, ‘grueling’ and ‘soul-crushing’ come to mind. But as life’s darkest of moments can bring about the deepest appreciation for what is good, my heart is full. And somehow, the worst has passed - for now. I am grateful for the changes that have come about, despite and because of the pain that was thrown at our family. The natural progression of life can be scary and torturous, and the inevitability doesn’t make the process any easier. But there is hope in the new. The older I get, I understand the desire to want to start one’s own family. There is an incredible healing power in the life of a newborn baby, full of potential, full of future, full of hope.
It’s been impossible to move on according to my own agenda. Everything is being postponed left and right, leaving me completely helpless at times. But I have a feeling it’s all going to work out. Sometimes, my timing is off, and I’m okay with that. There’s a bigger purpose. And I trust it.
Today is my sister’s birthday, a great day to celebrate. Not every sibling relationship is the same, and sisters aren’t always so fond of each other. But in my case, she has been one of my most favorite people since day one.
In Loving Memory of Grandma
(grandma on the right, with all of her ten grandchildren)
My grandmother was born in the 1920s to a colonized South Korea, where she not only lived through the Independence Movement (독립운동), during which she lost one of her sisters, but also survived the Korean war in the early 50s, when my mother was born as the third child and first daughter, eventually one of six children.
In the era and culture of male domination, where female submission was an unquestionable norm, my grandmother was something out of the ordinary, an independent soul, an educated woman, changing the world one child at a time. She and my grandfather ran an orphanage for children of war and a rehabilitation center for the wounded and the handicapped - still alive today in South Korea. A woman of faith and conviction, she didn’t hesitate to continue the work on her own when she was prematurely widowed in the 70s. She remained active and influential in her community right until the end of her life.
She was a rather exact example of human humility and generosity. She was also the picture of health, a gentle yet fiery woman full of ardor, out-walking even her great-grandchildren. One of her prayers included aging with grace, where no children of hers would be burdened by her advanced age, that she would remain robust until a quiet death. Her prayers were answered. She fell suddenly but stayed alive until her children and grandchildren flew in from all over the world to gather for her last breath, which was taken in her own bed. She passed away peacefully on March 18th, 2012, surrounded by all of her children.
The sense of loss has been overwhelming at times, but the past few weeks have been more about the celebration of her amazing life and the gift of love and family she has given us. I have the privilege to call her my role model, whose firm philosophy and proactive causes have inspired and changed countless lives. I’m grateful to be a part of this family history, connected to one of the most inspirational women I’ve ever known.
Blessing in Disguise
A few years back, I called my parents in panic, very upset about an unforeseen and unfair encounter. I was completely dumbfounded and angry, in desperate need of some guidance, if not just some consolation. I told the story over the phone as reasonably as I could, though I probably sounded as frantic as I felt.
‘It’s okay,’ is what they said. The calming sound of my father’s voice told me: when in doubt, stay the course, think positive, and be kind. Move forward and trust your instincts and convictions. And that was enough for me to untangle myself from the frustrations and move on, unscathed.
Curve balls of all sorts are in my way again, and I have to remind myself of my past experiences. Though doing the best doesn’t always bring about the best results right away, it might be a blessing in disguise in the end. People often disappoint, but there are other wonderful ones to more than make up for the loss. And time heals, as long as you let it.
Truth trumps lies, and light brightens darkness. Sometimes, it really is all about one’s perception, and life can be quite enjoyable despite injustice and malice. Inspiration is all around, and any setback can be a new opportunity.
where i come from
There’s been a chain of events that has led to some unexpected traveling and work hiatus. Instead of finishing up my oh-so-close-to-lock edit for my film project, ‘Bittersweet Monday,’ I’ve been hopping on airplanes and tending to personal situations.
My past few weeks were spent in the suburbs of San Francisco, where there were only clear, blue skies and cool, dry air, in which I often felt blinded and overpowered by the brightness of what makes California great. And now, I’m in my hometown in Seoul, Korea, where everything is opposite: gray, hot and humid. It’s been raining - pouring on and off since I’ve arrived. But there’s something about the very specific, somewhat cumbersome, muggy stickiness of Korean summer. I’m strangely enjoying it, finding a sense of comfort in this familiar physical sensation.
Yesterday consisted of taking a 2 hour drive down South on Korean I-35 to a retreat center in the mountains, attending a Sunday morning service, hanging out with my parents, then driving back in the pouring rain. And in those hours of simply being in that environment - the distinct Korean landscape of green mountains, pine trees, nonstop cricket (Cicada) noises in the background, and hymnals sung in the Korean language, it was like I was 13 again.
I am completely in love with NYC - probably will be for a long time, and I have no intention of moving anywhere else. But there is power in my history. I feel grounded when I’m here. This is where I come from.
a dose of perspective
I’m taking an unexpected, longterm trip for personal/family reasons. I’m being hit with a big dose of perspective; and in a lot of ways, I’m grateful.
In preparation for my extended leave, this week consisted of backing up my 3TB harddrive, containing all the ‘Bittersweet Monday’ files; digging up, exporting, and uploading/sending overdue footages for my dearest actors; re-editing a scene that I thought was not going to make the movie; packing & cleaning - all the while recovering from a long weekend of too much ‘catching-up.’
In my own little chaotic world of what is reality for me this week, I can’t help but to feel a bit uneasy and nervous about… Well. Life. For many months, I’ve been able to solely focus on my filmmaking endeavors, beginning from writing, then producing, directing, acting, and then finally editing my way through my past year or so. And just when I feel almost ready to lock picture, life takes over, and I must let go - at least for the time being.
Nonetheless, I’m taking all the work I can with me - gotta be ready for that moment of downtime + inspiration. It’s the worst when the tools are not available when you need them. I have a period of different kind of ‘work’ ahead of me, but I am glad I am available and capable to be there for my family when they need me. At the end of the day, there are only a few things that really matter. I’m counting my blessings.
family, travel & perspective
Tho not by my own choice, travel has been a large part of my life since an early age. For a long time, I was sure I hated it. But now, I have come to appreciate the process, including the many inconveniences.
Little things- from terrible airplane foods & bathrooms, different climates and available fruits in the local supermarkets, English spoken with different accents, to familiar faces and history of my own existence - have the power to put things into perspective.
My current adventure consists of family time. Last week, I got to spend several days with my six year old nephew. The patience and the energy that are necessary in taking care of a child apparently bring about a lot of contemplating. I spent the first few days aggravated and secretly angry. But the next few, I found myself fascinated by this affectionate little person who looks a lot like me. I spent the days, teaching my bilingual nephew how to politely ask for things in English, explaining why sleeping is good, and convincing him that eating his cheerios with a spoon tastes better than picking with his fingers. Quickly within those days, my frustration turned into a different kind of tug at the heart. Now that he’s not around, I keep thinking about the way he used to hold onto my hand with his miniature version of fingers, and the way he so readily hugged me as he reluctantly said goodnight.
For the next few days, I get to spend time with my original core family, minus one crazy busy sib, and minus spouses or children. It’s like we’re back in 1994. Little sis, lying on dad’s lap, mom, peeling and cutting fruits into pretty little pieces, while we hang out and talk about anything and everything. It’s kinda perfect. This is a different level of comfort, taking me back to my childhood.
Then there comes a moment, when I realize how old I really am. Fortunately, rather than feeling attacked by reality, I am glad to be living an independent life. It’s the natural progression of life. And I am finally at a point, where sadness of growing up doesn’t overtake.
They say reality bites. But sometimes, reality is just fine.
SNOWED IN- PERFECT DAY FOR REFLECTION PART 2: the history of BSM family
Brief history of how Jaime Lee came to know and love the four very important men in her life: Matthew Dorris, Moses Lee, Erik Kandefer, and Philipp C. Wolter.
Matthew Dorris & I met a few years ago, when he was making his and his friend Nick’s short film, ‘First Bite.’ I was an actress on this film, and I remained very quiet and reserved throughout the shoot as I often do when I’m working as an actor. Despite my silence, I tremendously enjoyed working on this set, immediately liking not only Matt and Nick, but Matt and Nick’s now wives, Mayoka and Holly, respectively. Matt’s being from Boston didn’t allow much real face time interactions, but we kept in constant contact via chat, which led on a lot of conversations about doing another project together. Once I started writing (or started showing my writing to others), he was first in line, offering to help. In fact, he even humored me in reading for me for my first film’s casting process. I must say, Matt is an impressive actor as well ;) I would totally cast him, if he wasn’t so interested and good at being behind the camera. From the get-go, he has been one of my biggest supporters, always interested in what I’m developing and ever-so-encouraging about all that I’m trying to do. In the process of discussing scripts and ideas and life in general, I also found that he’s not only this tall, charming guy with an amazing sense of comic timing and humor, but also a huge softie underneath, a hopeless romantic, so in love with his wife. He has a deep understanding of the kind of love and heartbreak stories I’m currently interested in telling. He is right there with my sensibilities. And somehow, he believed that I could do this. I also had a chance to read some of his screenplays, and I’ve always appreciated his emotional depth and understanding of human conflict and exploration of such complicated issues. With this appreciation comes respect, and whatever he tells me means that much more. I remember specifically during this BSM shoot, he said to me half-jokingly, ‘Jaime! You can do this. We believe in you!’ Words… could have so much power.
Technically, I met Moses Lee at a wedding commercial casting YEARS back in NYC, where he was taping the audition for his director friend. I was asked to do an impromptu monologue, and I could only think of a very dramatic one. Knowing how inappropriate it was for a happy young bride’s role, I poured my heart out in breaking up with my imaginary boyfriend. There was an awkward ‘Thank you for coming in,’ I remember. Then fastforward… a year? I submitted myself to yet another casting call, which happened to be another project Moses was working on. I didn’t get the part for that specific project, but he eventually contacted me for another one, and this time, no audition. I had no idea what kind of DP or filmmaker he was, but I was eager to work. Even knowing he was just out of time and desperate for actors to make a deadline for a fest, I happily obliged. I needed enough usable material for my reel, and I thought it couldn’t hurt. He seemed harmless, and maybe he’d be talented too, I thought. Lo and behold, I was floored when I first saw the copy of what we had made. The on set experience didn’t seem like anything special. In fact, it was pretty ghetto (sorry Mo. But you know it’s true. :) ). But I knew I had met someone with real talent, and I was going to pick his brains and bug him until he would work with me again. And my plan worked. He eventually began shooting my movies. His talent was undeniable, but I’d soon find that he’s also a great friend. He was very quick to share his knowledge when I asked for it and didn’t hesitate to give me harsh feedback when I needed it. Especially in the past two years, he has been a generous teacher, who’s taught me what it means to be a visual storyteller. They say, if you find a cinematographer you like, HOLD ON!! The physical distance that separates us from working closely together is a bit limiting, but I am grateful to have filmed BSM with Moses as my cinematographer. I hope there are lots and lots more to come.
The first time I met Erik Kandefer was early February of 2010 at the Starbucks on 24th and 6th. He showed up with his impressive film resume, collected demeanor, and professional attitude, and he had me at the first handshake. I had been looking for a small crew to make a short film without Moses after he had moved away, and I felt a bit lost. I didn’t even really understand fully what an AC does at that time, so I hadn’t been looking for one. Erik kindly expressed his interest in an email, and I arranged a meeting to see what he had to say. I carefully explained to him that I was a newby filmmaker, that I needed people who are cool with my being very green. Usually, many quickly take on a different attitude with me with some kind of superiority. But there was none of that with Erik. He clearly presented what he could do for me, and I was immediately impressed. Then when the actual filming began, that’s when I was hooked. Erik obviously knew what he was doing, and he kept a certain kind of energy and efficiency on set by example. He seemed to know exactly how to take care of himself to survive a 12 hour shoot, and he was proactive without stepping on anyone’s toes. Just watching him was like being in film school. I learned so much by just observing what Erik was doing. I had another short I wanted to make soon (Less Than Nothing), and I asked him to be a part of it even before the first project wrapped. I knew he was hot commodity - had to book him far in advance. Fortunately for me, we became friends, which gave me a bit of an advantage in booking him as my AC. Or.. Maybe I lured him with a keg ;) He is meticulous with an overwhelming love for movies and filmmaking, and I am grateful that he has lent his talents, time and effort to now three of my projects. I can’t imagine working without Erik, and I really hope to experience more.
When Philipp C. Wolter walked into the casting room in early April this year for Less Than Nothing, I was charmed but skeptical. Looking at his headshot, I remember silently dismissing him, thinking he’s this model type that probably relies on his good looks with no real talent. Oh lord, was I ever so wrong. Even when I saw him for the first time in real life and was surprised at the vibe he gave off, with his warm charisma and somehow non-threatening good looks, I was doubtful. Tho I have to point out, I absolutely LOVED what he was wearing - layers that included a black hoody, topped off with a denim jacket, which I made him wear as JEREMY in BSM. lol. I remember literally crossing my fingers, hoping that he would deliver.. The most important lines were very simple: ‘I don’t want to hurt you. Do you trust me?’ I had spent all day, hearing these lines said in different ways, and not necessarily in a good way. And I was SOLD at Philipp’s first ‘I don’t want to hurt you.’ My heart sank so hard in excitement that I was afraid he heard me. I had to work extra hard to play it cool. After a silent deep breath, I reminded myself that the ability to take directions is as pivotal as giving a good line read. So I gave him some adjustments, and adjusting, he did. The man was not a model type that couldn’t act. He was a talented actor who just happens to look like a model. As Philipp walked out of the room, I remember looking at Moses and making my stupid excited face, whisper shouting, ‘WE FOUND OUR KEVIN!’ Fortunately, Philipp was also interested in working with us, and he indeed became ‘our Kevin,’ which started a whole new process of discovering Philipp C. Wolter that eventually led to ‘our Jeremy.’ Along with ‘our Kevin’ and ‘our Jeremy,’ ‘that heartbreaker’ and ‘that handsome devil’ are two popular phrases used by the other men of our group to refer to Philipp. And tho I am grateful and appreciate Philipp for his very photogenic face and physique that really make my movies look cinematic and beautiful, I am more intrigued and enamored by his humble and studious process. His innate talent and good looks may be more than enough for most people, but he is a hard worker and a proactive artist with many aspirations. I am just honored that he wanted to be a part of one of mine.
So that’s my love story with BSM boyz in a (kind of a big) nutshell. Any questions? :p
BSM real home stretch-NYC day 6, 12/21/10/T 11:30am
Today is second to last day for ‘Bittersweet Monday’ principal photography. Last night was picture wrap for two of the main actors, for characters GINA & JEREMY.
Yesterday was a long day - I spoke too soon about having relatively easy days left.. The opening scene consisted of lots of setups and light changes, even after we tried to simplify the movements. We worked the full 12 hours, ending slightly after 3am.
It was a chaotic day for me. I was a lot more exhausted than usual and felt unprepared. It was one of those figure-out-as-you-go kind of days, and getting started was overwhelming. My apt is a big blob of mess, a swamp of crafty bags and tables, lights and equipment, and trash. ‘Producer Dave’ has been very helpful in clearing things out of the way, but I wish I had a few of my own clones, so I don’t have to tell people what to do and do things myself.
Yesterday was also one of those days where I wished I wasn’t producing. I’ve been pretty meticulous about my producing duties, but yesterday, I felt completely out of my element. At this point, I just don’t want to deal with things that could wait. ‘Producer Dave’ is taking care of a lot of the immediate stuff, so I think I’m covered for now.
We begin our BSM NYC day 6 in less than 3 hours. All the scenes are in the bedroom today, and as of now, the room looks like it’s been bombed. I need to start cleaning up. Seriously. Filmmaking is so much manual labor.
I feel like a mess. I am really eager to finish so I can sleep. But at the same time, I’m starting to feel the rush of ‘empty nest syndrome’ sadness. Matt is going back to Boston, Moses to Seattle, Derek to Toronto, and Philipp is leaving to Germany for a while. It might be months or even years before my BSM fam gets together again, and my heart feels tight - could be my strong coffee this morning, but still. It literally hurts a bit.
Before I start sulking, I need to get my ass moving. Lots to do today. Gonna change up ‘lunch’ menu a bit - want my cast & crew happy.. I love you BSM cast & crew. Why are you so good to me?
